Memory: Spanking
Pain. Fear. No.. Terror. He's looking at me with that disapproval again- I did something bad.
He'd gather everyone in the living room. They'd sit on the couch and I would have to stand up in front of the glass door. Getting ready to be humiliated. This was going to hurt.
He'd make me guess at what I did wrong. Put his angry face right up to my eyes.
"Tell me." He'd say in a voice dripping with intimidation. "And don't blink- only liars blink!"
Quickly running through my mind- what did I do this time? Did I leave the tv on? Was my room messy? Oh crap, did I get a bad grade again? What class? My 7th grade English or 8th grade Math??
Then I'd see his eyes get filled with rage. His face would get red and flushed. My little heart beating so fast it hurt.
Then he'd start screaming at me. I couldn't hear what he was saying over the rush of blood through my ears. I'm a worthless nothing. I'm stupid. Why was I born? Don't cry, please don't cry!
"Why are you crying!" He'd shout. Then he'd sit on the chair. No, not the chair! Please!
I'd have to stand. Bend over his knees and take the pain. The bone shattering impact. The booming counting. "1" Then another impact. "2"…on and on… until I couldn't take it. I just couldn't take it.
Before I knew it I had stood up.
(I have stopped writing this post several times. At this point I was crying and cringing with… idk. Jono held me as I cried and clenched my fists together. The… horrors that I was subjected to as a child. It's fucked up and should never have happened. My life is dedicated to stopping this from happening to others- either to past victims who may be treating their own children this way or by speaking out to people so that THEY can impact the lives of others… I just can't express how passionate I am about this! It is wrong. It does not improve ANYTHING. In my lifetime I will do all that I can to empower others to Leave the Violence. )
He had be bend over again. And started from 0. My whole body went numb. I was screaming and crying. The pain flooded my body. And my step mother just sat there! So did my sisters and my brother. No one ever said anything. No one ever stopped him. They just sat there and watched me be beat. Watched me scream in pain and beg my father to stop.
(Again I stop. Ashamed, angered, overwhelmed with emotions. What if they read this post and tell me that they love me and wanted to speak out but were too afraid? Well I'm not too afraid. I AM speaking out. Even then at age..what? 12, I think. I told my father to his face to stop molesting me. A child had the strength to tell him to stop. And I was trying to get up, get away. But they just sat there. Letting me think that these beatings were 'normal'. Well they AREN'T! I will push through all embarrassment and fear- VIOLENCE is NEVER the answer! Period. You will not convince me otherwise.)
(I'm sorry. I can't relive this memory anymore. But please, if you are the victim of abuse- get out. Ask for help. There IS a better life out there. Violence is NOT love. Leave the Violence. I'm here to help however I can. )
He'd gather everyone in the living room. They'd sit on the couch and I would have to stand up in front of the glass door. Getting ready to be humiliated. This was going to hurt.
He'd make me guess at what I did wrong. Put his angry face right up to my eyes.
"Tell me." He'd say in a voice dripping with intimidation. "And don't blink- only liars blink!"
Quickly running through my mind- what did I do this time? Did I leave the tv on? Was my room messy? Oh crap, did I get a bad grade again? What class? My 7th grade English or 8th grade Math??
Then I'd see his eyes get filled with rage. His face would get red and flushed. My little heart beating so fast it hurt.
Then he'd start screaming at me. I couldn't hear what he was saying over the rush of blood through my ears. I'm a worthless nothing. I'm stupid. Why was I born? Don't cry, please don't cry!
"Why are you crying!" He'd shout. Then he'd sit on the chair. No, not the chair! Please!
I'd have to stand. Bend over his knees and take the pain. The bone shattering impact. The booming counting. "1" Then another impact. "2"…on and on… until I couldn't take it. I just couldn't take it.
Before I knew it I had stood up.
(I have stopped writing this post several times. At this point I was crying and cringing with… idk. Jono held me as I cried and clenched my fists together. The… horrors that I was subjected to as a child. It's fucked up and should never have happened. My life is dedicated to stopping this from happening to others- either to past victims who may be treating their own children this way or by speaking out to people so that THEY can impact the lives of others… I just can't express how passionate I am about this! It is wrong. It does not improve ANYTHING. In my lifetime I will do all that I can to empower others to Leave the Violence. )
He had be bend over again. And started from 0. My whole body went numb. I was screaming and crying. The pain flooded my body. And my step mother just sat there! So did my sisters and my brother. No one ever said anything. No one ever stopped him. They just sat there and watched me be beat. Watched me scream in pain and beg my father to stop.
(Again I stop. Ashamed, angered, overwhelmed with emotions. What if they read this post and tell me that they love me and wanted to speak out but were too afraid? Well I'm not too afraid. I AM speaking out. Even then at age..what? 12, I think. I told my father to his face to stop molesting me. A child had the strength to tell him to stop. And I was trying to get up, get away. But they just sat there. Letting me think that these beatings were 'normal'. Well they AREN'T! I will push through all embarrassment and fear- VIOLENCE is NEVER the answer! Period. You will not convince me otherwise.)
(I'm sorry. I can't relive this memory anymore. But please, if you are the victim of abuse- get out. Ask for help. There IS a better life out there. Violence is NOT love. Leave the Violence. I'm here to help however I can. )
Comments
Post a Comment