Leave The Violence

Pain. Fear. No.. Terror. He's looking at me with that disapproval again- I did something bad. He'd gather everyone in the living room. They'd sit on the couch and I would have to stand up in front of the glass door. Getting ready to be humiliated. This was going to hurt. He'd make me guess at what I did wrong. Put his angry face right up to my eyes. "Tell me." He'd say in a voice dripping with intimidation. "And don't blink- only liars blink!" Quickly running through my mind- what did I do this time? Did I leave the tv on? Was my room messy? Oh crap, did I get a bad grade again? What class? My 7th grade English or 8th grade Math?? Then I'd see his eyes get filled with rage. His face would get red and flushed. My little heart beating so fast it hurt. Then he'd start screaming at me. I couldn't hear what he was saying over the rush of blood through my ears. I'm a worthless nothing. I'm stupid. Why was I born? Don't cry,...

Hmm. How do I put this? I grew up with the monsters in the closet. When the door was open- they didn't exist. It was just me 'all alone' standing in a closet. Being told that I was making things up…but when the door closed…. The monsters came out. My family was likable- as long as you didn't know them 'behind the curtains'. It really confused me for so many years. Since I was usually with them- I only got very few glimpses of their 'good' side. So when I would speak of how traumatic my home life was- I didn't know if it was traumatic or if my family really was nice and I was just…idk.. misinterpreting the violent events that I witnessed. I was expressing these thoughts to Jono just now after he read Stretching . He said "So all I heard was 'we are monsters and don't like you exposing light onto us'." That REALLY is what my childhood was like. And when I spoke out about what was happening- my mother and older sister especially, w...

Being in an abusive home leads to codependency. It feels great to be held and to have that security of someone else being there. However, don't use it as a crutch. Too many women will stay with a neglectful or abusive man because she doesn't know how she will cover the bills or doesn't want his relatives to look poorly upon her. Girl- WAKE UP!! You need to be able to pay your bills on your own and if others don't like you for leaving an abusive man, chances are that they are abusive themselves. Some stay together just to have someone in their life. If you spend more time with your 'other' than you do with all your other friends... ask yourself why you are staying with your 'other'. I'm not suggesting you leave, just that you center yourself better. Give your 'other' some breathing room.

The more I come to know of life, the more I see that most heartaches and stressful situations can be prevented. It doesn't need to come down to some huge trauma or emotional explosion. If you don't want to be in a negative environment then surround yourself only with people who meet your needs (not addictions as describe earlier) in a healthy manner. Plan ahead, save money to be invested, and understand human behavior. Being a mother of a young child I totally understand how confusing it can be. Is he crying because he's hungry? Tired? Teeth coming in? Bored? Over stimulated? We were walking by an apartment last week where a young child was crying. Over that I heard a woman shouting angrily "What the ***k are you crying for?" I felt sorry for the child. They are being raised in an environment that is abusive. They will grow up to believe that their needs are too demanding upon others and therefore will never be met. I also felt sorry for the woman. The woman seems...

Most people think of the obvious ones: smoking, alcohol, drugs.... I'm talking about the ones that seem healthy: relationships, seeking entertainment, personal grooming, and many other variations. The reason no one thinks of these is because these activities can be healthy. The difference between healthy and addictive can be blurred. I view addictions as anything that keeps you from facing reality. Congrats that you got Leveled Up, that doesn't change the fact that your real life bank account can not sustain you for another year. Wonderful that you two have held onto a relationship, that doesn't change the fact that the relationship is not a healthy one. I could keep going, but you get my point. Ask yourself today "What do I do to avoid reality?"

Well, correction: YOUR world revolves around you. Your actions, your beliefs, your fears, your strengths, your weaknesses, and your thoughts. Once you are of a certain age (idk... lets say 15+) you have the ability to meet all of your needs. You can speak the language, barter with others, learn new traits on your own, create an income stream.... and leave the unhealthy people. So if you are upset with your life- take accountability. What can YOU change to make yourself happy? I firmly believe you only get 1 shot at life- why stay miserable? Create your life. ^_^

I have found that the hardest part of being a victim of abuse is that you can never escape the violent memories or residual thoughts. That is why I choose to question the thoughts, sometimes fight them, until they are no longer a part of me. I slip up sometimes. I get short and rude. My words become harsh and I've still hit myself in the head when I get SUPER frustrated. But I've never hit my son. And I've never turned it into a scream fest. It has always been my frustration that I am not yet competent enough to get my message across to the other person and to fully comprehend their message. I want to be a better person. And that means even the thoughts/memories of past times need to be left behind.

You can blame the person abusing you. Tell yourself that they don't care about you, that if they just changed then you'd be happy. You can't change them. You can only change yourself. If you are staying with an abusive person then it is because YOU don't care about yourself, that YOU won't change your life to be happy. Change is hard. It takes time and confronting of fears. Push through the fears, leave the abuse, and come into a new age of Self Respect.

As the sun fades into florescent and the air grows colder, it is easier to hear the others in this apartment complex. Then downstairs I hear a knock followed by heated talk. Soon it turns into a screaming fest. Routine by now.... My thoughts turn to how many people have a similar story. Raised in yelling, living with screaming, and so numb that they don't ever get away from it. Well, I am getting my son away from it. That is why I sit here blogging instead of resting. Getting more followers on Twitter (@cyitaiga) and trying to spread the Hope that 1 day anyone who wishes to leave the violence can and will. Screaming is just another way of saying "I don't want to find a better way." *sigh* I'm searching for a better way... can you help me?

I come from a violent family. Violent in their words, violent in their emotions, and Yes, violent in their actions. I moved to PA because my younger sister punched me when I told her she couldn't yell at me anymore. I stopped talking to my mother and older sister when my older sister had her boyfriend threaten me to the point of calling 9-1-1 and my mother told me I was over reacting. Now to be thousands of miles away from them (ok, more like 1700) I have a new take on my childhood. I see many others on a daily basis fighting. Screaming, hitting, hating themselves and taking it out on others. I feel SO powerless. And I am. I can't barge in on their tantrums because that would only fuel it more. I feel like a coward for staying in my apartment, being online to create an income for my family. Instead of hunting down the sound of the young child crying and the parent yelling. To put it bluntly, I hate myself and yet can't seem to find a solution that wouldn't...

This all started with an emotional post I did on 1 of my other blogs- www.cyitaiga.blogspot.com I want to help other victims of violence find peace within themselves so that they can live a great life and contribute toward ending violence in the lives of those around them. My son, Aidin, is now 4 months old. I want him to know a childhood unlike the one I had, that is my personal goal. You can follow me on Twitter at @cyitaiga Create yourself a great day! ^_^